Unstoppable Love (Part 3): Empathy
“Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection.”
Silveridge Elementary School
When my kids were in elementary school, I taught a 6-week class on “The Eye” for the gifted 4th, 5th, and 6th grade students. We had a fantastic time. Each class was a unique experience. In the first class, an artist friend from Microsoft showed us how different cultures draw eyes. (Did you know that on side profiles the Egyptians drew both eyes on the same side of the head?) We learned how to draw the eye and their artwork looked so wonderfully realistic.
We looked at how eyes on different animals are specifically designed to meet different needs. (Did you know that alligators actually have three eyelids! One is a clear eyelid that slides in from the side to help them see under water.) We did a laser and lens lab with fog to figure out how the lens in the eye works and how glasses can fix blurred vision. One 6th grader figured out how bifocal contacts are designed… all by himself!
One day, we divided up into pairs and one person wore a blindfold while their partner led them around the school. After about 15 minutes, they switched roles. They learned why blind people prefer you offer an elbow and not a hand.
The highlight of the class was the last session when I had two of my blind patients come to the class. After several weeks of studying eyes and even learning how to get around the school without them, the students had some amazing questions:
“How do you use an ATM when the ‘buttons’ are on the screen?”
Answer: you have to ask for help from someone you trust!
“Do you ever get angry that you’re blind?”
Answer 1: The patient who’d been blind for 5 years as a complication from diabetes replied, “A day doesn’t go by that I’m not angry!”
Answer 2: The patient who’d been blind since birth replied, “Most of the time I’m fine but I really had a hard time at my little daughter’s first ballet recital because I wanted with all of my heart to see her dance.”
The kids slumped in their chair as they let out an audible sigh. You could palpate the empathy. They understood with both their heads and their hearts.
Why Empathy Matters
You'll Experience Richer Relationships
When you are able to connect deeply with other people, your relationships will be stronger and last longer. The ability to understand and feel the other person's perspective gives you insight how to best nourish and grow the relationship.
You Are Hard-Wired To Connect
Empathy, defined as “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another,” is the glue that holds relationships and cultures together. In the 1990s, while studying brain function of macaque monkeys, a group of neuroscientists discovered that the same motoneurons that control movement in one monkey would actually fire in a second monkey that merely watched the first monkey perform an action. While we still have much to learn about how our brains are designed, we are clearly hard-wired to connect.
There Is Wisdom In Connection
As I discussed in the previous article, there is tremendous wisdom in valuing the perspective of another because it allows me to see with greater depth perception. Empathy allows me to connect and experience what others are seeing and feeling.
I Understand My Own Life Better
When I think back to the pain of my blind patient who couldn’t see her daughter’s first ballet recital, it makes me stop to ponder what I’ve missed because I wasn’t able to see. She reminds me to slow down, to see, and to enjoy. My vision is better because I connected with her.
Connecting at the Head and the Heart
If the goal is to “understand and share the feelings of another,” it is going to require both my head and my heart.
Connecting Heads
Unstoppable Love makes attempts to become proximate in order to understand the perspective of another. It isn’t just seeing the perspective; it is also connecting to the perspective of the other. It means listening to understand, not listening to respond. I struggle with this one. I have to come back to it over and over. As a storyteller, asking questions doesn’t come naturally for me. Becoming connected at the head level takes effort. I have to reconnect to my why by asking, “What does Unstoppable Love look like?” The answer calls me to ask better questions. Lean in. Take an interest. Be intentional about being connected.
Connecting Hearts
Sometimes connecting to the heart of someone else comes at a cost. It’s easy when they are feeling joy and happiness, but what about when they are hurting. I wrote a blog article a while back about what do to when your friends are hurting. We respond in three ways:
Avoid: I stay away because I don’t want to feel the pain.
Answers: I try to fix it so I don’t have to hurt with you when you’re hurting.
Attend: I connect with your heart, feel your pain, and love you with an Unstoppable Love.
Transformed Through Connection
It has been 20 years since I taught that class on “The Eye” but every time I use an ATM I think about blind people because I connected with those two patients at the head and the heart. I’m grateful for the lessons they taught us. Unstoppable Love is like that: empathy connects us and, paradoxically, I almost always come away feeling that I received more than I gave.