Unstoppable Love (Part 2): Proximity
“A diverse mix of voices leads to better discussions, decisions, and outcomes for everyone.”
What are we going to do about “those people”?
I don’t know about you, but I’ve really struggled over the past few weeks with “those people.” I don’t mean that I’m struggling with people; I’m actually struggling with the internal narrative that wants to talk about “those people.” It really doesn’t even matter who they are. If I am watching CNN, I end up talking to myself about “those far right people”. If I switch to FOX, I end up talking to myself about “those liberal people”. I’m struggling with myself because I know that as soon as I talk about “those people,” I’m actually cutting people off and unwilling to consider their point of view.
I’ve previously written about the concept of Proximity that I learned from Bryan Stevenson, the author of Just Mercy. It has had a powerful impact on me. I never really thought about Proximity before I heard him speak. I thought my view was just fine from where I was standing. Why in the world would I want to gather my things and move to where someone else was standing just to see the world from their point of view? It seemed risky and unnecessary. After listening to Stevenson’s talk, however, I tried it. I set the intention to spend time with people who were different. I made it a point to leave my comfort zone and introduce myself to people who look differently, believe differently, and act differently that I do. What I discovered changed thinking profoundly. It's been rewarding to say the least.
It is important to recognize that there are some circumstances when Proximity isn’t the best choice. As I was writing this article, I had someone posting abrasive comments and false claims on a post that I wrote on social media. The person was simply trying to pick a fight. To share Unstoppable Love with people, it is important to take care of yourself. If someone approaches you looking for a fight, it is reasonable to walk away.
“Depth perception is difficult with only one eye.”
There is some interesting data about how diversity impacts problem solving 1. Bicultural people actually have an advantage because they can switch back and forth between two different viewpoints and, as a result, they have greater depth perception. Depth perception is difficult with only one eye.
The problem is that I assume that my view tells the entire story. After all, if I knew that my view was incorrect, I would simply adjust my beliefs. The challenge is that I don’t know what I don’t know. The illustration above with the object seen from three different angles clearly shows the weakness of my assumption. From one angle it is a square, from one it is a circle, and from one it is a triangle. If three people looked at it, they would insist that they were right. And they would be wrong. That shape casts three distinct shadows — none of which tell the complete story.
If I want to see the world more clearly, it is essential that I make the choice to leave the comfort of my zone and seek different viewpoints. But how?
3 Keys to Experiencing the Power of Proximity
Challenge the Stimulus-Response. Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl famously said, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Until we recognize that there is a space between what we see, experience, or hear and our response to it, it is impossible to do anything about it. Pause for a moment next time you hear yourself mumbling the words “those people” and consider how you might best respond.
Be kind… to yourself. This stuff is hard work. If I don’t show up with kindness, openness, and curiosity for myself, how can I offer it to anyone else. If I try to silence my inner narrative or beat it into submission, I will inadvertently bury the bias to avoid my self-inflicted shame.
Be fully present. My mentor and friend, Max Dixon, used to challenge me with this question: “Can you show up ready to be nowhere else?” I often catch myself listening to respond rather than listening to understand. People can feel the difference. We call one of most popular exercises that I use during events “The Paired Interview.” Each person interviews the other for 10 minutes. It’s not a discussion but an interview where one person tries to understand the other by asking questions and listening to understand. We end the exercise with the interviewer sharing with the person they interviewed what they most appreciate about them. We then flip roles and do it again. It truly is an amazing experience.
Generative Questions to Ponder About the Power of Proximity
During this series on Unstoppable Love, I’ll propose 3 generative questions to ponder each week. "Generative questions" are life-giving, creative, and positive questions that move you in the direction you want to go rather than the "depreciative questions" like “What’s wrong with “those people.”
We will focus on the three different dimensions: ME, WE, and US.
ME
Think back to a time when you learned something from someone who was different than you. How did you show up so it could happen? What were the benefits to you? How did you feel afterwards?
WE
How might I approach someone who is different than I am in a manner that they will know that I value them and what they can contribute? What are the names of 3 people to whom I could reach out to this week?
US
Believing that a society consists of the conversations that ripple through it, how might I show up in my community to be an influence for Unstoppable Love. Imagine a year from now and walls are coming down. How do you feel when you see people who are different standing side-by-side?