Flourishing Friendships: 7 Keys to Grow Together When We’re Apart

Feb 27

Written By Dan Diamond

I Have Four Big Questions For You:

The first big question: What are the ingredients of a great friendship? Stop for a moment, ponder the question, and say the answers out loud. Chances are you’re sitting at home by yourself anyway. Go ahead. No one will hear you. What are the key ingredients of a great friendship?
The second big question: If you took those key ingredients and became more intentional, what would your friendships look like a year from now?
The third big question: What would you need to do to next to move toward those vibrant friendships?
The fourth big question: How might you apply those same principles to become a better friend to yourself?

The Ingredients

1. Kindness: the power of proximity

“I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.” — Abraham Lincoln

As an adjective, “kind” is defined as being loving and affectionate. As a noun, “kind” refers to a group with common traits. If you consider them together, you get close to the Zulu concept of Ubuntu (ùɓúntʼù): “I am because we are.” I bring to the friendship openness, compassion, and love because I realize that we are part of each other. I don’t see you as “other” or one of “those people”. I see us as interconnected but different. I value your perspective because it allows me to see the world more clearly. Proximity matters.

2. Curiosity: the insatiable desire to understand

“The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.” — Roy T. Bennett

There have been more than a few times that I’ve thought I understood something only to find out I was clueless. I’d love to claim that this only happened in my adolescence. The older I get (and perhaps the wiser), I understand that questions are more important than answers. When people are suffering, questions that start with “how” and “what” are most helpful. “Why” questions usually come across as judgmental. My friend Oscar Trimboli shared with me some simple but powerful questions. They include a question that is 3 words, one that is 2 words, one that is 1 word, and one question with no words at all.

3 words: “Tell me more.”
2 words: “What else?”
1 word: “And?”
0 words: (silence)

The power of silence in conversation can often be the most powerful of all. It allows people to ponder and process. These questions invite the other person to take their own thinking to a deeper level.

3. Openness: the willingness to have my mind changed

“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” — naïs Nin (French Author)

Other people can sense when I’m closed minded. Usually, I don’t. The world as it appears to me is reality. Otherwise I would adjust my view. All too easily, I assume that everyone sees the world the same way I do. I have to be very self-aware and very present to unlock the walls of my close-mindedness. Tragically, if I remain closed, the love can’t get out.

No-one wants to have a conversation with a wall.

4. Trust: the willingness to risk because I know I am safe

"I am loved. Deeply loved. And when I let that love define who I am, I am suddenly free to be myself." — Brennan Manning

Ernest Hemingway once said, “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” Without trust, the friendship will remain superficial. By definition, there is always risk involved in trust and it is a two-way street. Sometimes I’ve let my friends down. How I respond to my lapse will determine the future strength of the relationship. We will all fail from time to time. What we do with that failure makes all the difference. My goals are to be consistent, to be reliable, and to be honest. Of the three, honesty is the most important when it comes to trust.

The flip side is how I respond when my friend violates my trust. What then? Do I wait for them to come to me or, motivated by unstoppable love, do I go to them to restore the trust? It’s a question worth pondering.

What is the relationship worth to me? To the other person? To the surrounding community?

5. Vulnerability: deciding to take the risk to be myself

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'" — C. S. Lewis

I can still remember the first time I was vulnerable with a friend. I had been carrying within me some dark secrets. I figured if anyone ever found out, I would be the laughingstock of my school. We were at a Young Life camp called Sambica and I can still remember where I was sitting when I finally worked up the nerve to tell Dave all about it. My heart was pounding, my hands were sweating, and my mind was racing. “Why take the risk?” I asked myself. “Because I can’t carry this alone any longer!” I replied. When I finally scrapped together enough courage to tell him, he turned, looked right at me and said two words that changed my life: “Me too.”

6. Commitment: my willingness to carry part of your load

”Bear one another’s burdens…” — The Apostle Paul

There is something strange about the physics behind this concept. If you carry part of my load and I carry part of your load, the weight is less for both of us. It’s profound. Yet, I can’t tell you the number of patients I’ve seen over the years who try to do it all on their own. As a physician, I assure you that being the “Lone Ranger” doesn’t work well. I discovered that one of the greatest joys is walking down the road carrying part of my friend’s load while he carries part of mine.

7. Courage: living boldly from the heart

“A warrior’s destiny is greater than his wounds.” — Brandon Buchard

The root of the word courage is “cour” which means heart. You can’t have courage without heart. I’ve got (and paid for) all sorts of head knowledge, but the passion to roll up my sleeves, get involved, and take risk comes from the heart. A friendship will only be as good as the heart that I bring to it. Am I willing to the initiative? Am I willing to put others first? Am I willing to sacrifice? What is it that drives me? Unstoppable love.